I You know what I mean - you know exactly what I mean
Bob Dylan
One thing I have learned over my many years of fumbling through life is that mistakes get made. How is that for a profound revelation? Mistakes happen, and, yes, yes, (yes!), we should learn from our mistakes, which means first learning to own them. Blah, blah. Blah.
Blah.
All true, painfully true, and a topic for another day.
Speaking of true, it’s true confession time! Forgive me, readers, for I have erred. For a long time I found it challenging to own my mistakes. I’d blame others or circumstances or bad luck (curse you, cosmos!) even when I knew damn right well that I had messed up, slipped up, tripped up, fallen short, dropped the ball, blew it, muffed it, botched it, flubbed it, and ultimately screwed the pooch. (It is best not to dwell on that last one.) This predilection wasn’t some sort of chronic pathology, but it took deliberate effort for me to admit my role in an error.
Eventually I recognized this shortcoming, but then I sort of overcompensated and became very hard on myself. I would take the blame for things that were happenstance and over which I had little control. It got to the point where genuine people would pay me genuine compliments, and I would genuinely suspect their motives, which is genuinely ungenerous on my part. I had to consciously resolve to be gracious in the face of their horrid sincerity! I still struggle with this new openhearted approach, but I am striving to improve.
In fact, you can help me in my journey. Go ahead. Reach out and pay me a compliment or two. I can take it. Be sure your compliments are of the particularly fetid kind, like, “I love reading your writing, Jim. It really does the trick when I have insomnia.” Or, “The best feature of your weekly essays is their short length!” Or, “My, you are a handsome man for such a geezer!” Trust me, I can handle your atrocious accolades, and I really need the practice accepting them.
Please.
Oddly, while receiving compliments has been a burden for me, offering them has been almost the opposite. In fact, I sometimes am so free with my compliments that I have to rein myself in so I don’t sound like a babbling brook of blarney. However it may seem, I have always strived to assure that the compliments I pay are well earned.
Did you catch that? It’s funny, the language of compliments — “offer,” “pay,” “earn.” Who knew compliments were so transactional, so fiduciary? Compliments are the coin of the realm. What we need are more complimentary compliments, freely conveyed and readily received. Complimentary compliments to complement a spirit of generosity.
When I was a boss, I found that a well-placed (and sincere!) compliment could really make a difference to the recipient and help build relationships. I also noticed that there was a ripple effect as my complimentees became enthusiastic complimenters among their peers.
I have also had a couple of bosses who were excellent at doling out praise when it was due. I even had one who was a liar, a bullshitter, and a bully, but he sure knew how to give a sincere compliment when warranted. Of course, in retrospect, the stark contrast between his supportive and sincere praise and the rest of his behavior just contributed to the whole gaslighting thing.
On the other extreme, I had a different boss who seemed congenitally incapable of giving individual compliments. I only heard her do so once (not to me!) when not under duress although she was capable of generating a group compliment of the “you’re-a-swell-team” type on special occasions, such as tipsy Christmas parties.
The only other time I heard her give an individual compliment was, as I said, under duress when, because of my puckish nature, I tricked her into complimenting me in front of her boss.
It went like this. Her boss said that I handled an event well. I thanked him and then turned to my boss, saying, “you did a good job too.” Trapped! She was obligated to reply in kind or look like a jerk. It was bizarre to observe her countenance morph into several shapes as she struggled with her dilemma. Ah, good times.
Why are compliments so complicated? Why do we struggle to both give and receive praise? Part of the problem is flattery. In the moment, it can be hard to discern the sincere from mere puffery. Then there are those who use even sincere and warranted compliments as a tool of manipulation, like my other boss, the lying, bullshitting, bullying gaslighter. Then there are all those narcissistic weirdos, like the non-complimenting boss I described, who imagine that individual praise is an enervating indulgence.
Add to all that freakery the fact that so many of us suffer imposter syndrome even late into our careers and that society tells us that anything short of perfection is failure while adding that we should appear (not be) humble and whatnot, and what you get is utter dysfunction. Therefore, I cannot but conclude that among our many crises, our culture suffers a crisis of commendation. A compliment gap, if you will.
Meanwhile, there are those countless blowhards who consume both warranted and unwarranted plaudits like Tik Tacs, wolfing them down by the fistful. Most of these people are no more deserving of praise than you or I — and probably are less so — but they seem to dominate workplaces, organizations, and even society although their numbers are small. Some become politicians. Others are commanders of industry. Still others are right in the building with you now. You know who I mean. You know exactly who I mean.
Paying compliments, sincere and earned compliments, is the quickest way to up your leadership game. Accepting sincere and earned compliments with gratitude is a bit trickier, but — perhaps paradoxically — it too will set you on the path to great leadership. The reason compliments are so important is because they make everyone feel good — complimenter and complimentee — so gracious acceptance is a positive for all. Also, and this is key, when compliments are sincere and earned they are the truth, and the truth is always better than the alternative.
So sincere compliments are, or at least should be, just a part of our everyday human connections, part of how we communicate and interrelate. In that spirit,as we conclude here, just know that you are fabulous!
I mean it.
How ready are you to offer sincere compliments? How ready are you to accept sincere compliments?
Giving and receiving compliments are critical skills for you to master as a leader, and I can help. Click below for your free consultation and gift.
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