Sugar man, won't you hurry
Cause I'm tired of these scenes
For a blue coin won't you bring back
All those colors to my dreams
Sixto Rodriguez
You know the guy. The one who puts a positive spin on every situation, who smooths over all the rough edges. At first it may seem okay. After all, who wants to deal with negative vibes? Dr. Goodvibes is here to make it all go away, to turn that frown upside down. When you are in Dr. Goodvibes’ presence, your worries disappear. There can be no regrets, no suffering. Setbacks, problems, even trauma are all just in your head, like delusions and hallucinations and nightmares. None of that bad stuff is real. Only the good prevails.
If you’re asked, “how are you,” you had best answer with a hearty, “great!” if Dr. Goodvibes is anywhere near. If you are struggling, don’t tell Dr. Goodvibes. “We all struggle,” he’ll respond before adding, “you let stuff get to you too much.” If you persist in your concerns, Dr. Goodvibes has the prescription for you, perhaps a jaunty “you’ll get over it” or an affirmation that “everything happens for a reason” or an uplifting “you need to let it go.” Just let Dr. Goodvibes take away the pain with his patent medicine, a mix of happy talk and diverting banality.
Things really got you down? No worries, Dr. Goodvibes will cast aside your concerns with a wave of the hand and a magical incantation: “you’re bringing everyone down.” You can now balm your pain with the guilt and shame of being a buzzkill.
When Dr. Goodvibes is in your workplace, he might have a little following of people addicted to what he offers. They praise his positivity, love his upbeat message. Maybe, if you are particularly unlucky, he is your boss.
Perhaps you find yourself avoiding Dr. Goodvibes. Why? After all, what is wrong with positivity? When you are in his presence, Dr. Goodvibes tells you that you complain too much, that you need to look at the bright side. Although you recognize that his criticism of you is itself a manifestation of his own negativity, maybe that’s your fault too. Maybe your negativity really is getting to him and ruining his vibe.
Best to avoid him and his acolytes for fear of infecting them with your bummer ways. Besides, despite all the happy talk they peddle, you always feel worse around them. It doesn’t matter the situation. Dr. Goodvibes and his followers manage to suppress your emotions, to exact a fake smile out of you, to get you to pretend to see the silver lining in the midst of a tornado. All the negative is on you. If you were stronger, more positive, you could just wish it away. Dr. Goodvibes is right. You suck.
But something still irritates your sensibilities. It eats away. Yes, putting a positive spin on things can dispel much of your negativity. Yes, you were complaining too much and sometimes making big deals out of nothing. But some of it is not nothing. Everyone faces, to some degree, negative realities, devastating events, and chronic struggles. How do you spin away your low pay, the way your boss treats you, your unrelenting work demands, or — most annoying of all — the fact that everyone around you tries to put a positive spin on your slightest concern? What is the value of denying rather than solving problems?
Wow! Where did that come from? You realize that the relentless positivity of Dr. Goodvibes and his ilk are dragging you down. They make you feel like crap, and the more you imitate them the more you suffer. Their positivity is not real. You don’t want to wallow in negativity, but you do want to face reality.
Toxic Positivity
You are not wrong. If you are negative person, a shift toward positivity is vital before you eat yourself up, but unreasonable positivity is itself harmful. The truth is that sometimes reality is negative. Sometimes even the little things can pile up to bring you down, and having some insensitive jerk like Dr. Goodvibes tell you not to sweat the small stuff and then dismiss everything as small stuff every time is just demoralizing. No one has the right to tell you how to handle your emotions. Help you out, offer advice, provide new perspectives, put things in context, or give support, sure. Tell you that you must answer every “how are you” with a chipper, “just dandy!” Hell no!
You’ve heard the cliches of such toxic positivity:
“There’s always a bright side!”
“Everything happens for a reason!”
“At least you have your health!”
“You just have to let it go!”
“Don’t let that person dictate your emotions.”
“Brush it off and move on!”
“We never get more than we can handle!”
“That sounds like a first-world problem. You have it so good!”
“You complain too much!”
Sometimes these things are offered in the best spirit, but when they are unwelcome and insensitive, they are the calling cards of creeps. Sometimes such behavior is merely officious, unwanted attempts to help you that end up leaving you feeling bad. Other times the behavior is vicious, flat out gaslighting, and even bullying. It denies and dismisses your reality. It belittles your experience and devalues you as a person. Toxic positivity is cruel.
To be sure there are benefits to real positivity and wallowing in negativity is never good. Trying to find reasons to be optimistic in the face of even tragedy can be a source of comfort, resilience, and strength. Victor Frankl called this approach “tragic optimism.” It is an embrace of negative reality, a way of owning your emotions, not denying them, and recognizing that there is always meaning and hope in life, that even the worst circumstance is temporary.
There is a truth in the saying, “this too shall pass,” but when that phrase is deployed to deny someone their very real emotional state, it becomes a source of toxic positivity.
And if you are the one who insists that others not “be so negative all the time,” ask yourself whether they are truly and unreasonably negative. Then, instead of trying to impose on their emotional state and deny them their feelings, what can you do to help them cope with their reality and perceptions? How can you guide them toward real, honest positivity?
If you ask someone “how are you,” and they answer “okay” or “fine” or even something evasively sarcastic like “sucking wind,” how do you react? Do you expect them to say something more explicitly positive? Why? What gives you the right to police and govern their emotions? If someone not being relentlessly positive bums you out so much, ask yourself why you are so weak that you must shroud yourself in positive thoughts and feelings no matter how false. Why do you have to control others’ emotions? Perpetual positivity is simply unreal. And denying reality, particularly someone else’s reality, is the most negative thing you can do.
Dr. Goodvibes sells snake oil. Dr. Goodvibes pushes poison. Dr. Goodvibes is a major supplier of emotional opiates. Don’t fall for his lies, and don’t be like him. Facing reality takes honesty and strength. Finding the truly positive in the face of tragedy builds resilience. Everything else is a fraud.
How do you cope with toxic positivity? Do you ever try to manipulate others’ emotions?
Leaders must learn to face the reality of situations and the challenge of human emotions, and I can help.
If you want to learn more about how to become a great leader in this world of bad bosses, visit GuidanceForGreatness.com.
Join the conversation by leaving a comment, and leave a like or review.
Please share this post on social media.
And be sure to SUBSCRIBE to have On Leading with Greatness sent weekly to your inbox.
Dr. Goodvibes‘ Prescription