You ever seen a ghost? No
But you have heard of them
Bob Dylan
It is a bit hard for me to admit it, but I believe in ghosts. It’s particularly hard for me because I am a highly rational person. As a baseball fan, I scoff at the foolish superstitions that riddle the game. During a potential no-hitter, I will openly talk in the stands about the hit count, which freaks everyone out.
“You’ll jinx it!” They complain.
“Ha, ha,” I chuckle. “If I had the power to influence events just through my words, I would use that power to benefit all humankind, not just baseball.” Then I might add another chuckle for emphasis.
“Ha, ha.”
Although I was raised Catholic and went to twelve years of Catholic school, let’s just say the indoctrination did not take.
“Ha, ha.”
I believe in what humans can experience and can logically conjure, not hypotheticals.
Yes, I am hyper-rational and altogether immune to superstition. (Knock wood.) And yet, I tell you, ghosts are real.
They lurk all around us. Where? Everywhere! You don’t see them, of course, because they are ghosts, but they are scary as they float around sowing uncertainty and disappointment. They flit about our world with impunity, reeking havoc. When you have an encounter with a ghost, you cannot even be sure what is happening, but you can be assured that nothing good can come of it. There is something just so terminal about ghosts.
I’ll be honest. I have no idea what these ghosts consist of. Many people think of ghosts as the spirits of the dead who haunt the Earth, but that is childish nonsense. Real ghosts are of another origin entirely.
Most seem to be the spirits of still-living people that get loose in the world from time to time, escaping their corporeal cage to disrupt the normal functions of normal people. Others, I suppose, are almost always out there, roaming free of their heedless hosts and causing mischief.
Maybe it’s because I am so driven by rationality that I find these ghosts so vexing. Many other people I speak to don’t seem as put out by them — annoyed, yes, but not overly concerned. I, on the other hand, am just so baffled as to their very existence that I can’t get over it.
The prompts that can induce an otherwise decent and thoughtful human being to issue forth their ghost to haunt the world vary. Sometimes it is a lack of attentiveness that unleashes the ghost. The person who is supposed to be in control just lets their guard down long enough for the ghost to bolt. Often this inattentiveness comes about because of overwork, stress, and/or a perceived lack of time. It may be a temporary slip or for some people something just this side of a perpetual state.
Sometimes, the ghost gets out because the host person is just that type, rude enough to not care what mayhem their ghost might stir up. Other times, the ghost is produced on purpose. This happens a lot really. The person consciously chooses to let their ghost run amok. It may be a one-off, to seek vengeance on an individual or out of cruelty, or it may be the result of a general contempt and arrogance.
The most common reason a person will allow their ghost to fly free is pretty ironic. They let their ghost out due to fear — fear of rejection, fear of next steps, fear of commitment, fear of facing facts, fear of intimacy, fear of effort, and so on. Whatever the fear, these people figure that a ghost that is sort of on their side can protect them, so — blorp! — out spurts their ghost. Excreting a ghost to confront fear seems to me a strange defensive strategy no matter how commonplace.
Really, of course, this fear they are trying to avoid never really goes away because it is never faced. Instead, these people somehow overlook the fact that the only way they can beat their fears is by having a robust and, yes, intact spirit inside them to bolster their integrity and resilience. Like I said, ironic.
These ghosts are often the ruin of good human relationships, trust, and communications as they go about their fetid business, leaving their victims wounded and confounded.
Ghosts regularly spook budding romantic relationships, growing acquaintanceships, and even some longstanding and intimate bonds. When ghosts interfere with these types of human interactions, someone will certainly suffer confusion and doubt and likely get hurt.
Ghosts also haunt professional relationships, and the same confusion and doubt can ensue. So often it is just neglect and laziness that causes professionals to suddenly inflict their ghost on the world, but callousness, self-importance, and fear may be at play too. The effect can be debilitating, but professionals just try to move on and ignore the ghost as much as possible and not take it personally.
You know about these ghosts and may not even realize it. Maybe you are one of those people who allows your ghost to float about freely. We all do from time to time, and sometimes — in the face of untenable circumstances — doing so is the necessary or even the most humane thing to do. But some people are chronic in their ghosting and don’t seem to care about the harm they do. After all, it is not them, right? They’re not at fault. It’s the ghost!
In recent months, I have found myself ghosted by a surprising number of people in my professional life. I will never know why. Some may have misinterpreted my motives or purpose. Others may just not have any use for me, which is fine. Still others feel they don’t have the time, which is often a self-con. And the rest are just ignorant. And don’t get me going about the ones who commit to forming connections and then just — blorp! — disgorge their ghost rather than respond to an email or something. It can be humiliating. In professional settings, it is the height of unprofessionalism. In personal relationships, it’s just contemptuous.
As organizational psychologist Adam Grant recently observed,
Ghosting is cowardice plus selfishness.
Yes, ghosts are both real and plentiful. Ghosts can hurt. Ghosts can cause real damage. Your ghost may be messing with someone’s livelihood or breaking their heart. Launching that inner ghost for no good reason is unacceptable. It’s just mean.
Why do we so often fall short in communicating with others? What can you do to improve your skills of attentiveness and communication and scare off the ghosts that haunt us all?
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