Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Traditional
Change is inevitable. You’ve heard that before, but it bears repeating. Change is what happens while you are off planning for something else altogether. Birth is change. Life is change. Death is change, too. Change in itself is neither good nor bad, but everything changes for better or worse. Even stone changes.
When I look out my front window, I can view the beautiful Hudson River with Mount Beacon posed behind it. Mount Beacon is a mere 1,500 feet or so at its summit, but it likely once was much, much higher. In fact, the entire Appalachian Mountain range, which is hundreds of thousands of years old, at one time was as tall as the much younger Rockies are now. Imagine that. The Appalachians, which average about 3,000 feet high, once stood as high as the snow-peaked Rockies at 14,000 feet.
At this rate, hundreds of thousands of years on, the Rockies will be about as tall as the Appalachians are now, and the Appalachians will be nothing but negligible outcroppings. Even solid rock changes.
In his 1975 song “Your a Big Girl Now,” Bob Dylan sings the simplest of lines that has resonated with me for decades. In the midst of lamenting his sinking relationship, he belts out, “I can change, I swear.” It is the yawp of a lover desperate to preserve his love. In that brief line, he not only implicitly admits fault, but he also promises to reform, to do better. What strikes me about the line is not only its grasp for hope amid despair but also its obvious futility. It’s pathetic and stirring and sincere and hollow all in an instant. It’s the death rattle of a marriage.
Despite all this, the sentiment is well founded because the statement is literally true. He can change and will. We can all change and will whether we swear to it or not. The clincher is to choose to change in specific ways and then do so. That is how we move toward self-improvement, and it starts with self-awareness.
Simply put, avoiding change is not an option. But choosing to change is not an end in itself either. I wrote of the power of choosing to be still at times, which in some ways is the opposite of choosing to change.
Then again, stillness, like change, is a means to an end, a means that brings about changes.
If one chooses to change, then, the work is just beginning, and questions arise.
First, is the change sound? I can choose to be taller, but that ain’t likely. I can also choose to be thinner, which is possible, but the choosing itself is meaningless until I put the choice in place.
Second, will the change, when enacted, yield immediate results? For instance, I can choose to start eating healthier at home and with one visit to the supermarket transform my kitchen from junk food hell to veggie heaven—or the other way round if you prefer. The change to my environment, then, is instantaneous even though any change to my physical person will be gradual. An immediate change leading to a gradual change.
Third, is the change permanent? That visit to the supermarket can be followed by a visit to the bakery, which will undo all my dietary resolve.
Considering the soundness, immediacy, and permanence of changes can help us best choose how to achieve an end.
The Mind Is Not Immutable
This all flies in the face of what many of us were told our whole lives and truly believed. That our personality, our attitudes, our habits, and our behaviors are largely set. That self-change can only be the result of either a major outside force—like a tragedy or crisis—or of intense, intentional, and sustained effort—like quitting junk food cold turkey.
Moreover, our culture has long preached that self-improvement is an all-or-nothing-at-all endeavor. If you want to improve physically, you need to exercise regularly and frequently—no lapses. If you want to eat healthier, you need to eliminate certain items from your diet entirely, forevermore—no slipping. If you want to improve your mind you needed to read and study constantly—no TV. If you want to be a success, you must work persistently—no rest. The message has been that nothing short of perpetual maximum exertion will be sufficient to enact change. In this zero-sum game of self-improvement, no effort can ever be enough and one misstep is tantamount to complete failure.
Although cultural forces have begun to temper that harsh message, we still suffer the delusion it fosters—the go-big-or-go-home ethos. It’s one of the reasons the gyms are full of dedicated exercisers every January only to become desolate by February. Those New Year’s resolutions to workout every day inevitably hit one little snag, and that one minor setback can feel like abject failure. Resignation soon follows.
This is partially why I was convinced my whole life that real personal change was supremely difficult to attain and, therefore, not desirable.
Then I changed.
What brought about this not-too-sudden alteration of my awareness? A number of factors, really. One big one was becoming certified as a Tiny Habits coach. Tiny Habits is all about developing new behaviors and mastering the skills of change. It also taught me that the best changes are intentional and are often best implemented incrementally—hence the “tiny” of Tiny Habits. Tiny Habits puts the lie to the motivation myth: the fallacy that we have complete control over our motivation.
In truth, motivation is wildly variable. Motivation rises and falls, comes and goes, affected by a host of factors, least of all our own resolve. Motivation may get us moving but is usually not reliable enough to sustain us. It’s a good part of the reason quitting cold turkey doesn’t cut it in most cases; cold turkey relies on individual motivation.
Yet we tell ourselves that we should just power through. If we stumble, it’s because we weren’t motivated enough. Well, maybe, but so what? Lack of motivation is not some moral failing. It’s mostly just something that happens to everyone. By the way, all those vaunted masters-of-the-universe types who seem supremely and superhumanly motivated to get something done, who never take their eye off the prize, who never flinch or let their effort diminish. While they are off focused on some singular goal, imagine all the things they are not motivated to do. Family, community, and even personal enjoyment may barely exist for them. Is that admirable? Is it desirable?
The main thing is, though, that change is coming no matter what you think and no matter the direction or intensity of your motivation. Change has no regard for age or circumstance or personality or even fairness. It just happens. If you are not the source of your change, the best strategy then is to use change to your advantage, like a surfer catching an oncoming wave. Whatever the case, whether they come from inside or outside, the more intentional we are about the changes in our lives, the more those changes can benefit us. And the more incremental the changes we choose to make, the more likely we are to stick with them.
How can you best change for the better then? Start that journey here and now.
How intentional are you about personal change? How well do you surf the waves of change around you?
Leaders must constantly pursue and shape change for the better, and I can help.
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Jim Salvucci, Ph.D., is an author, keynote speaker, coach, and consultant. He served higher education for 30 years as an English professor, dean, and vice president before founding Guidance for Greatness to guide young bosses to become the next generation of great leaders. He is a certified Tiny Habits coach as well as a certified Thrive Global coach and life coach and holds leadership certificates from Harvard University and the Council of Independent Colleges. Central to Jim’s leadership philosophy is that all great leaders are great humans as well as great teachers, guiding their people and their organizations through values toward success.
I Can Change, I Swear. See What You Can Do.