For April, the 1st among fools
Don’t follow leaders.
Bob Dylan
March 32, 2022
Please refrain from using imperatives and the imperative mood. It is annoying, so just stop it.
If you are not sure what an imperative is, look it up.
Reflect on the deluge of the imperative that washes over our everyday existence, and be sure to observe how much you contribute to this imperative abuse. Face the fact that you are likely a major offender as well as a victim. Now, let’s review all the examples of the imperative you see around you.
Think about Signage
Consider, for instance, signage produced by governments, businesses, churches, schools, and other authorities. Let's review a few. “Stand back.” “Pull forward.” “Stop.” “Proceed with caution.” “Yield.” “Stop. Look. Listen.” “Ring bell for service.” “Wait here until your number is called.” “Place order here.” “Speak into the microphone.” “Pay here.” “Use other door.” “Keep door closed.” “Park in back.” “Don’t park here.” “Don’t block driveway entrance.” “Don’t block garage entrance.” “Park in designated area.” “Do not enter.” “Do not block.” “Do not exit.” “Place donation in box.” “Take one.” “Give here.” “Do not touch.” “Do not chew gum.” “Beware of the dog.” “Do not pet the dog.” “Curb your dog.” “Please dispose of dog waste properly.” “Please dispose of litter properly.” “Do not dispose of garbage here.”
And finally, “Stay off the grass,” which, think about it, can serve as either a prohibition against trespassing or an admonition regarding the use of an infamous gateway drug.
Consider Your Car Bumper
Note how bumper stickers are also a rich source of imperatives. “Vote.” “Save the whales.” “Eat the whales.” “Vote early and often.” “Don't tailgate.” “Eat Bertha's Mussels.” “Just try to take my gun.” “Vote Republican.” “Visit California.” “Vote Libertarian.” “Visit South of the Border.” “Vote Democrat.” “Stop at Wall Drugs.” “Honk if you love Jesus.” “Honk if you support Resolution 718b.” “Honk if you are horny.” “Vote as if your life depended on it.” “If you see this van a-rockin,' don't come a-knockin’.” “Don't laugh. It’s paid for.” “Vote for the crook.” “Defund the police.” “Defend the police.” “Shop local.” “Don’t vote for the crooks.” “Choose civility.” “Bring back prayer in school.” “Keep prayer out of school.” “Keep your laws off my body.” “Vote Green Party” “Coexist.” “Think peace.” “Free the People.” “Impeach Bush.” “Tax the rich.” “Don't eat meat.” “Eat the rich.” And, of course, the more recent additions, “Make America Great Again” and “Let’s go, Brandon.”
While you are at it, be sure to savor the wonderfully paradoxical authoritativeness of the classic bumper sticker directive:
“Question authority.”
Remember Your School Days
Recognize how your life has always been filled with commands and demands. Call to mind your own school days with teachers and staff barking orders all morning and every afternoon. “Pay attention.” “Do your work.” “Do your own work.” “Be quiet.” “Speak up.” “Spit it out now.” “Hurry up.” “Don't run.” “Speed it up.” “Slow down.” “Line up.” “Sit down.” “Stand up.” “Get over here.” “Stay there.” “Do this.” “Stop doing that.” And, revel along with me in my personal favorite from my Catholic high school days:
“Get a haircut!”
Listen to the Music
If you really want to go nuts with imperatives, think about how many popular songs boss us around when it comes to matters of love and romance. “Love Me Tender.” “Love Me Harder.” “Love Me Two Times.” “Love Her Madly.” “Love Me Do.” “Love Me Like You Do.” “Stop, In the Name of Love.” And pause to appreciate how hard it is to best the frank seduction, “Lay, Lady, Lay. Lay across my big brass bed.”
For a tour de force of musical imperative abuse, also by Bob Dylan, check out his “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” Delight in this one snippet:
Get sick, get well Hang around a ink well Ring bell, hard to tell If anything is goin’ to sell Try hard, get barred Get back, write braille Get jailed, jump bail Join the army, if you fail
If you are not in the mood for love or just want to “Twist and Shout,” then “Let’s Dance” away your sorrows. “Do the Hustle.” “Everybody Dance Now.” “Do the Locomotion.” “Dance the Night Away.” “(Do the) Mashed Potatoes.” “Save the Last Dance for Me.” “Do a Little Dance. Make a Little Love. Get Down Tonight.” Or, just keep it simple and “Dance, Dance.”
If dancing is not your thing, enjoy this select list of motivational titles. “Get Up.” “Get up offa That Thing.” “Get Up, Stand Up.” “Party Up.” “Party Down.” “Walk This Way.” “Jump.” “Whip It.” “Come Together.” “Go Now.” “Call Me.” “Shout.” “Hush.” “Knock Three Times.” “Hit Me with Your Best Shot.” And “Do That To Me One More Time.”
Finally, forgive my Fr*nch, but here is a classic hip hop imperative from the 80s:
“F*ck the P*l*c*.”
And Don’t Forget to Support Our Sponsors
Now ponder the biggest imperative offender of all: advertising. “Buy it now.” “Shop with us.” “Use our product.” “Use less.” “Use more.” “Pay less.” “Don't pay more.” “Buy now, pay later.” “Don’t take our word for it.” “Ask your doctor.” “Ask your pharmacist.” “Ask your vet.” “Ask your grocer.” “Ask your friends.” “Ask about our layaway plan.” “Visit our store.” “Check out our website.” “Find us on Facebook.” “Follow us on Twitter.” “Like us on Instagram.” “Call any time.” “Apply for service.” “Don't be fooled by substitutes.” “Get what you deserve.” “Look for our coupons.” “Click here for more.” “Fly the friendly skies.” “Fly American.” “Buy American.” “Buy bulk and save more.” “Don't let it get away.” “Get away from it all.” “Don't throw away your money.” “Trust your money with us.” “Save money with us.” “Send money.” “Eat here.” “Eat beef for dinner.” “Eat mor chikin.” “Join now.” “Act now.” “Don't act yet.” “But wait, there's more.” “Don't let this deal get away.” “Call us now.” “Clip and save.” “Don't miss our sale.” “Live the good life.” “Retire here.” “Try our mattress.” “You've tried all the rest, now try the best.”
Finally, ruminate on the liquor industry’s masterfully duplicitous exhortation that simultaneously encourages a vice while moralizing against its consequences:
“Drink responsibly.”
“Just do it.”
Scream in frustration if you must, but don't overlook the fact that imperative reform starts with you!
Say what you will, since we are so awash in imperatives, it is, frankly, imperative that we extricate ourselves and our society from their pernicious ubiquity, so start with yourself. Conduct an imperative audit. Document how many times a day you use imperatives in your speech and writing. Keep precise notes and review your list at the end of the week. Notice how often you fall back on using imperatives and contemplate how overbearing it can be. Change your ways. Resolve to do better.
Admit that we are all at fault, and feel free to point a finger at me. I am not immune to the lure of the imperative, but don't judge me too harshly. Remember that I am only human.
Now, go forth. Do no harm. And stay off my lawn!
Have a nice day.
Do you know that imperative abuse is not a real thing? Did you not understand that my overuse of imperatives in this essay was just for fun?
You can hone that sense of humor and sharpen your ability to spot irony, and I can help. Click below for your free consultation.
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