Just the other day, something extraordinary happened. Someone praised me.
Not that no one ever praises me, but it was the context that made it land differently.
For years, I struggled to accept compliments with the grace they deserve. When praised, my mind would grumble, “What’s their angle” or “If only they knew…” I’d tell myself I needed to dismiss their recognition so I could “stay humble,” which really just reflected a limiting belief that I'm not deserving.
Like all limiting beliefs, it’s silly and untrue of course; earned praise is deserved praise. I eventually realized how off-putting it was when I deflected others’ compliments. I wasn’t being humble. I was being ungracious and ungrateful.
So, I learned to accept compliments in the spirit they’re offered. This shift also unlocked the door to gratitude and its rewards.
What happened the other day reminded me of all this.
Electing to Accept Praise
I’m a poll worker, meaning I’m one of those toiling gray-hairs who helps people cast their votes during elections. Recently, during early voting, a machine malfunctioned, which brought two election commissioners to our precinct—a rarity. After resolving the issue, the commissioners went out of their way to commend my partner and me on our handling of the situation. (In New York, commissioners and election workers always operate in bipartisan pairs.)
At first, I was flummoxed. Their praise was so unexpected. But, I’m happy to report that, after some initial surprise and confusion, I replied graciously.
One reason the moment felt so unfamiliar was that—except during elections—I’m never an employee. Sure, people hire me as a coach, consultant, or speaker and frequently offer compliments, which I deeply appreciate. But clients aren’t bosses; our relationship is mutual and nonhierarchical. So unless I take to patting myself on the back while reciting affirmations into my bathroom mirror, there’s simply no boss to praise me.
With the commissioners it’s different. During elections, I’m officially a county employee, and they’re my ultimate supervisors.
It struck me in the moment that my last few full-time employers virtually never offered authentic or meaningful compliments. For instance, the very last one, a college president, would laud her “team” but never individuals. Another praised individuals but only transactionally, buttering you just up to get something in return.
So, what happened inside me after I accepted the commissioners’ thanks and praise? Did I get a little ego boost or a slight surge of the warm-and-fuzzies? Or did I just take it in stride?
No, I admit that I felt a gush of pride and energy. Instantly, I was more motivated to do the grueling, tedious work at hand. Simply put, I wanted to do an even better job!
Think about that for a bit. By making an effort to show sincere appreciation for my work, these commissioners inspired me to work harder. And, even though I was perfectly aware of that cause and effect, the inspiration stayed with me, only waning as the long day dragged on.
Contextualizing Compliments
The thing about compliments is that context matters, as do tone and word choice. You can pay a lot of compliments, but if they’re perfunctory, people will come to resent them. Also, people have to be ready to accept your praise. Because I was historically a praise deflector, I’m good at noticing when others do the same. If I want my praise to land, I make sure that the other person can really hear and embrace it. If I’m not sure it landed, I’ll revisit it.
It also matters what sort of person is giving the compliment. If you’re committed to human decency, do you really want praise from a boss whose values you don’t respect?
For example, one boss I had years ago offered praise all the time, almost always privately. He also had a nasty habit of offering criticism—often entirely unmerited—in public. Plus, he had a reputation as an inveterate liar. In the morass of all that lying, false accusation, secret praise, and public humiliation, eventually even his most heartfelt compliments started to feel like gut punches.
And, it matters what you’re praising. One former colleague was always ready to effusively praise her staff in public, which sounds admirable but for one detail: All her compliments were of the “thanks for your hard work” variety. She never commented on the quality of their work. At first, her people beamed when she thanked them. Eventually, though, they started sagging as she raved on about the hours they put in. Never once did she simply say they did a good job.
How to Praise
So, offering praise involves much more than simply blurting out a “way to go” from time to time. A leader’s compliments have to be offered with several factors in mind.
1. It has to be sincere. Inauthentic or transactional praise is worse than none at all. It’s confusing, manipulative, and demoralizing. Sincerity or bust!
2. It has to be for something genuinely praiseworthy. Effort is great, but people ultimately want to know if their results are good. Also, recognition for obvious mediocrity is an insult.
3. It has to be regular but not too regular. Sparse praise undermines confidence. Too frequent praise can seem perfunctory.
4. It has to be offered in a way that people hear and appreciate. This factor may come down to the individual. For instance, some may prefer private compliments to public ones.
5. It has to be calibrated for the context. Again, this could have an individual component. It’s tricky, but the leader must offer the right recognition at the right time for the right reasons and in the right way. Self-awareness is key.
6. It has to be timely. Don’t hold your compliments till the annual review or some awards ceremony. People thrive on prompt feedback, both praise and critique.
7. It has to come from a credible source. Typical bosses are lousy at offering compliments. Leaders are great at it. Of course, would you be reading this if you aspired to be a mere boss?
Praise is a form of feedback and a particularly powerful one. Like all feedback, when handled well, praise can inspire team members to want to do their best. That was my reaction to the praise from the election commissioners. On the other hand, when handled poorly, praise can demoralize or worse.
As with any feedback, leaders need to pause before proceeding. They need to ask themselves, Why am I offering praise? What am I praising? Who am I praising? How am I praising them? And what do I want in return? The answer to that last question should be “absolutely nothing,” every single time.
One more thing about praise. Heartfelt praise is a form of gratitude, which means it can have a profound effect on the leader who offers it as well as on the recipient. When approached this way, the power of praise can be overwhelmingly positive for all concerned.
Which brings us back to me patting my own back in front of the bathroom mirror. Gratitude puts things in perspective, motivates us, and can retune our mindset. But, part of any good gratitude practice is not only expressing thanks for the good that comes our way but also for the good we do in to the world—such as offering bonafide praise.
Therefore, well-regulated self-praise is essential for great leadership. Along with learning to effectively praise others, you can add that to your leadership toolkit.
How do you receive sincere praise? How do you offer praise to others or even yourself?
Leaders must master the skill of offering and accepting compliments, and I can help.
Unlock the Great Leader Within! Download my free resource, the Transform To GREATness Toolkit, now!
I look forward to hearing from you.
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The Leader’s Guide to Giving (and Receiving) Authentic Praise