I HAVE endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it.
Charles Dickens
When was the last time you reviewed your past, present, and yet to be?
It was a dark and stormy afternoon. Eb was in the middle of chewing out stupid Bob, who was on the verge of tears. Eb was furious at Bob for his constant nattering about Eb’s alleged neglect of the corporate mission. “What a lot of hooey!” Eb yelled. “The mission’s just a sop to sell more stock to do-gooder shareholders, or haven’t you figured that out yet!”
With that he summarily fired Bob. “I want you out of here by five, sharp!”
Bob gasped, “But, sir, it’s Christmas Eve!”
Eb relished for a moment the tears welling up in the poor man’s eyes. What a crybaby! Eb then snapped at him, “You’re right! I should have waited to fire you on Christmas Day! Now pack up your belongings and get out!”
As pathetic Bob shuffled out the door, Eb enjoyed the man’s departing sniffles and thought how satisfying it was to fire Bob Cratchit on Christmas Eve. He might just have to make the Christmas Eve firing a tradition.
Ebenezer S. Krudge, Director of Media Marketing and Associate Vice President, caught his own reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall. He appeared confident, sufficiently stern, and damn handsome in his tailored suit if he said so himself. Looking younger than his early forties, Eb Krudge — he much preferred the nickname Eb — was rapidly climbing the corporate ladder. And although his was not yet the top-floor office he aimed for, at least his current one was a sizable and swanky corner space two floors below.
He called in his young administrative assistant to have her arrange Bob’s dismissal with HR. She knew the drill since she did this a lot. He could see, though, that she was affected by the news of Bob’s firing. Bob was very popular out there among the cubicle crowd, so there would be some resentment, even anger. On the other hand, it occurred to Eb that the beauty of a Christmas Eve firing is that everyone would have the holiday to get over it. Little fuss, muss, or fallout for ol’ Eb to deal with!
Before his assistant could escape his office, he knew he shouldn’t but couldn’t resist adding, “Patty, I usually appreciate a good looking woman in a sweater, but that one does you no favors.” The leer in his tone matched the one on his face. Patty blinked twice before facing him boldly.
“You know, you could be great guy instead of being that guy all the time!”
Eb’s mouth fell open for a second, then he smiled, “Wow! I like the spunky ones!”
Patty puffed angrily as she spun around to leave. When she opened the door, Eb could hear a ruckus outside in the moment before she slammed it shut. Was he the only one who worked on Christmas Eve? A couple of weeks ago, his employees had asked for a “holiday party” like some other offices were having. He’d be damned if they would have a work-hours party on his watch though.
Just then, the room grew cold, very cold. Was the AC on? “Damn it all,” he muttered, “Patty will have to call goddamn maintenance before she leaves.” A strange clinking sound filled the room. Suddenly, there in front of him by the door stood his old mentor, Jacob Marley, in the flesh or not so much. It was as though Eb could see right through him. The man wore a massive chain of paperclips, at least a million paperclips. They jingled as he stumbled toward Eb, laboring under the weight.
Eb was surprised. “Jake! What are you doing here? Why do you look so odd? Damn, man, you’re transparent!” Jake Marley had left the company years before to head up a competitor in another state, and Eb had not seen him since Jake’s retirement blow-out from that company. Eb had heard recently that Jake was not himself anymore, that he was teeming with regrets, but everything Eb was he owed to Jake. He even adopted Jake’s personal motto: “It’s all good so long as it’s good for you.”
Jake silenced Eb with a sharp gesture, and spoke in a voice that boomed and echoed in the large office. “Ebenezer, I am beyond hope! Having retired, I can no longer make amends. Yes, it is too late for me, Ebenezer, but you can still save yourself.” His paperclips jangled threateningly as he spoke.
“What is that chain you are wearing,” Eb asked.
The ponderous paperclip chain bent Jake’s back. “Each paperclip represents an instance I put myself above others and the greater good.” Jake then commanded Eb to set his phone alarm to ring at two, three, and four o’clock on the hour. Eb obeyed. He always did what Jake told him to do. Besides, he wanted to see where this gag was leading.
Jake added, “Expect visits from three spirits. They will show you who you were, who you are, and who you are yet to be. Remember there is still time for you to reform.”
Then, with a portentous jingle of a million paperclips, Jake vanished. Before Eb could even react, though, his phone alarm went off, and a new apparition appeared, a teenaged girl but with an old woman’s face. She wore a fairy outfit, complete with dainty wings, like some Disney cosplay devotee.
The girl announced in an otherworldly voice, “I am the Ghost of Bossing Past! You will come with me.” In that moment they were transported to years ago where Eb saw himself as a young employee of the company. He wore a jacket and pants that did not match and a garish tie he evidently bought from a vendor on the street. Sad. He was sitting in a conference room during a meeting where his old boss mocked and abused him.
“Ebeneeezer!” He always exaggerated Eb’s full name to annoy him. “Who dresses you in the morning? Your blind mommy?” His colleagues all laughed as young Eb glared at their ugly faces. Eb had always resented that man and was thrilled when he retired not long after this incident. Eb had sworn that he would one day command meetings in the same manner, never to be picked on again.
Then the vision shifted. There was young Eb in the cubicle of his old girlfriend, Belle. They were openly flirting. Eb knew this moment. It was Christmas Eve, and he had just given her a “pre-engagement” ring, a cheap thing with a fake stone, all he could afford at that time. Still, she admired it on her finger. He was saving for a real engagement ring. Her eyes were tender as she looked on him. His face had never seemed so content.
Without any notice the scene changed again to a year later to the day. Belle was in her same cubicle handing him back the ring. He was wearing a suit this time, not as well tailored as the ones he wore now, but decent enough. He looked good. Belle yelled through her tears, “Ever since you became a supervisor, you are a jerk! Your ambition is all you love!” She sobbed twice before adding, “There is no room for me.” Could this be why he had come to hate Christmas Eve so much?
Watching with the ghost, Eb could not avoid shedding just one tear, which he swiftly wiped away. With a smirk at Eb’s show of vulnerability, the Ghost of Bossing Past whisked him back to his office where he again stood alone. Eb tried to process what he just witnessed. “Well I lost Belle, but I have lots of women now and lots of money too,” he rationalized. Moments later, the alarm went off a second time.
Another spirit emerged in that moment, a stout man in a plum-colored suit. Eb thought it old fashioned but classically elegant in its way, with its wide lapels and magenta pocket square that matched his, what is that? A cravat?
The apparition announced itself with a sonorous voice, “I am the Ghost of Bossing Present. You must follow, but be aware.” He glared in Eb’s face, “none will see you.”
Instantly Eb was viewing his current employees in the outer office area huddled together as they comforted Bob Cratchit, who lingered in his cubicle as he packed up his belongings. Two security guards stood near fidgeting. One of the guards reminded Bob that he must be out of the building by five. Bob’s eyes filled with tears again as he explained to the others how his young daughter, Teeny Tina, desperately needed surgery. Without insurance, how would he pay for it? Someone suggested a GoFundMe, and everybody moaned with despair.
Eb said aloud to no one, “Wow! That was good timing. We don’t need major surgery payments against our insurance plan.”
The ghost growled at him.
In a flash, Eb was in a board room where the CEO, Freda, was meeting with her top staff. They were discussing Eb and his future. The CEO said, “I get what you are saying about young Eb. I think he is an up and comer too, but I don’t think he is focused enough on our corporate values and mission.”
Eb noticed that one of Freda’s lieutenants surreptitiously rolled his eyes before objecting, “I don’t know about that, but he gets results, that’s for sure.”
The CEO argued that Eb was not ready and needed to learn to lead and not just boss. At that, several in the room rolled their eyes as well and exchanged sardonic glances. The CEO clearly had lost their respect.
Eb turned to the ghost excitedly. “She is politically weak! This is my time to make a move! I had no idea until now. Thanks!”
The Ghost of Bossing Present scowled and put up his middle finger right in Eb’s face. In that instant, Eb was back in his office alone. He pondered what he had just witnessed. “The top brass really loves me! Well, except for that idiot Freda. How is that bad? I like where this is going,” he laughed.
A moment later, the alarm rang the third and final time, and a new entity appeared. Eb asked, “which one are you?” The being slowly shook its head from side to side. To Eb the spirit looked like traditional depictions of Death, with its heavy black-hooded robe and skeletal features. Eb asked again, “Who are you?”
The apparition in frustration methodically picked up a pen from Eb’s desk and ploddingly scrawled on a Post-It, “I am the Ghost of Bossing Yet to Be!”
Eb picked up the note and laughed, muttering, “Cat’s got your tongue?”
The specter wrote deliberately but angrily on another Post-It, “Skeletons have no tongues, you insensitive asshole!”
With that, the two were transported to the future. The room was dark but for the glow of a computer screen. Belle’s Facebook page was open. (Yes, sadly, Facebook is still there in the future.) The ghost sluggishly manipulated the mouse, scrolling through the photos. Eb could see that Belle was older but still beautiful and somehow youthful. There she was with a brood of lively children and her handsome husband. In a few photos they were on vacation at some beach resort. In others they were on a Christmas cruise. The rest captured various birthday parties and other special events. All their faces were full of smiles and laughter and love. Belle, his first and only love, had forgotten him utterly in her happiness.
The scene altered and Eb and the spirit were in the hall outside the CEO’s office where the nameplate read, E.S. Krudge, C.E.O. “Yes!” He cheered, “I made it!” They moved inside where Eb, considerably aged, worked away at a massive desk. The view from the top floor was breathtaking, but Eb did not have the time to even glance up. A knock at the door and old Eb’s assistant, even younger than Patty had been, entered to tell him she was going home. She paused and then asked, “do you have any plans for tonight? It’s Christmas Eve.” He laughed. “You’re looking at it.” He then peered up with his customary leer, “Unless, of course you might have something more interesting in mind.”
She responded coldly, “Have a nice holiday, Mr. Krudge,” and closed the door sharply. Old Eb shrugged with a giggle at her discomfort and went back to work.
Next the spirit whisked Eb back to the darkened room with the computer screen where they could see a Zoom meeting in progress. (Yes, sadly, Zoom is still there in the future.) It was the company Board of Directors annual meeting, but Eb was not in attendance as the CEO. Eb knew that the board could only meet without him if they were discussing his performance. “Maybe,” Eb mumbled, “they are voting on my big bonus.”
The board members were blunt and unanimous. One lamented that they had to spend their holiday dealing with “Eb’s growing mountain of bullshit.” Another reminded them of their many HR problems: out of control employee turnover at every level and lawsuits for unlawful termination, discrimination, and — of course — sexual harassment. To make matters worse, profits were dropping ever since Eb unilaterally redirected the company and abandoned its mission.
One board member lamented that they needed a real leader at the helm, not just some blowhard boss like Eb. Another fondly recalled the days when Freda was CEO. She knew how to lead but had been pushed out by a coup of her lieutenants. That mutinous crew was in fact the same one that had put Eb on his upward trajectory.
The board voted on the spot and without dissent to oust Eb as CEO! Afterward, one member noted with a chuckle that it was fitting to fire Eb on Christmas Eve since Eb had established a sick tradition of terminating at least one employee on that day every year. The chair then called on a committee that had put together a severance package in anticipation of the vote. It was large but contingent on the outcome of the many lawsuits he had against him. Someone noted that Eb would be broke in no time.
Eb and the ghost were back in the hallway outside the CEO’s office. A maintenance worker in a Santa hat was violently and gleefully prying his nameplate from the wall.
Eb screamed to the Ghost of Bossing Yet to Be, “I have seen enough, spirit! Please no! I will strive to do better, to be a leader, a great leader! Do you hear that, Jake, my old mentor!” Eb was yelling at the ceiling. “I now know the difference between being a boss and being a leader! I have reformed. I will seek the help of a worthy coach to guide me to true greatness!”
Forthwith, Eb was transported to his office. He drew a deep breath and tested the furniture with his fingers to assure the reality of his surroundings and that his ordeal was at an end. He then swung open his door to ask Patty the time. She looked at him with confusion. “It’s just five o’clock, now. And I’m leaving!”
“What day is it?”
“Are you okay, sir?” She paused blinking at him. “It’s December 24th, Christmas Eve.”
Eb rejoiced again. “Oh, It’s not too late! Oh, I hope it’s not too late!” He ran out amongst the cubicles where his employees all scowled at him as they prepared to depart. Bob Cratchit’s cubicle was already abandoned. “Oh, no, it can’t be too late! Say it’s not too late!” Eb scurried back into his office to call security down in the lobby. “Good sir, have you escorted Bob Cratchit from the building?”
“We are doing so now, Mr. Krudge, just as you requested.”
“Stop! Stop right there, for the love of all that is good and wholesome and tastes like honey, stop! Send him back up to me posthaste! And no escort! You hear? No escort! I want him to convey himself! He deserves such dignity.” Eb then scrambled back out to the cubicles to address his employees whose glare of disdain was now tinged with wonder. They had been talking about sharing a toast in a nearby bar. “Where, pray tell, were you planning to have your little holiday gathering?” Eb asked.
They all looked at the floor before one reluctantly told him, “Marley’s down the street. We were going to have a drink or two and then head home to our families.”
“Oh, isn’t that perfect! Marley’s! Marley’s is it? What a perfect name! Well I have some business here to attend to for the moment, but I will join you there in short order. Patty, charge everyone’s libations to my personal credit card. Order as you please! It’s on me!”
His staff looked at each other with a mixture of shock and wary suspicion. “Oh, and, Patty, make sure everyone arrives safely and orders to their heart’s content!” Just then the elevator dinged, and Bob stepped out still clutching his box of possessions and with a tear lingering in his eye. The staff stared at him with confusion. What could be going on?
“Run along everyone. Don’t worry. Have fun! I’ll join you in no time.” Eb changed his countenance and added with abrupt callousness, “Bob, come with me if you will.”
Bob’s eyes were wide as Eb turned toward his office. Bob was almost shaking with anxiety following behind, but once inside, Eb’s face relaxed into a warm smile. “Put that box down, Bob, my good man.” Eb waited a beat. “First, I want to apologize for my behavior and my harsh treatment. You have never deserved that, and I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me in time.” Before Bob could respond, Eb continued, “and second, you may think I am about to give you your job back, but that is not the case, most certainly not!” He gave Bob an exaggerated frown.
Bob could not help hanging his head at that news. This was a new level of cruelty even for the notorious Eb Krudge.
“No, Bob,” Eb giggled at his little prank. He grinned wide, his voice almost sing-song, “No, instead, Bob, my dear Bob, I intend to put in a request to create a new position just for you. Director of Mission Compliance! You will be in charge of keeping me in line, which I hope will not be as taxing a task as before. Oh, oh, and I will further request that your new position come with a well-deserved and generous raise!”
Bob was mute with confusion.
“Will that suffice for now? Are we in agreement?”
Bob just stared.
“Oh, I almost forgot! Dear me! I will personally see to it that all of your precious daughter’s medical expenses are covered in full, and I will cover any that are not! Teeny Tina will be well again if I have any say in the matter, she will!”
Bob, still overwhelmed, tears welling again, could only nod. How did Eb know about Teeny Tina needing surgery?
“Oh, wonderful, Bob, just wonderful! Now leave that silly box here on my desk and let’s go celebrate with our colleagues down the road.” The two strolled together with Eb chattering away excitedly to his new friend and confidante.
Eb’s eventual rise to the top was slightly slower than he had planned, but his extraordinarily long stint as CEO was marked by award-winning customer care, top-notch production, and the company’s perennial ranking as a great place to work. Eb’s efforts set the company on a streak of record profits year after year, and his company Christmas Eve parties were the one event that everyone looked forward to.
When he finally retired at the top of his game, it was with contentment and the admiration of friend and competitor alike. He and his loving wife, Patty — yes, that Patty — currently reside in Florida, where he grows grapefruit and volunteers for a manatee rescue operation.
Merry Solstice to All
The End
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The Authentic and Definitive Account of Eb S. Krudge and the His Haunted Holiday Present - Encore Presentation