How good are you at sorting out sincere well-wishers from manipulators and kiss-ups?
Pamela’s first day was not the most productive. She had just joined the firm as a top manager, and it seemed everyone wanted to get to know her. There was a little reception for her, complete with cheese cubes and supermarket cake to celebrate her arrival — a sweet gesture. She was touched.
After the party, she figured she would go put her new office together so that she could get down to business. A few minutes into unloading a box of books, though, two of her employees — Pat and Terry — showed up to introduce themselves and congratulate her on her new position. Pamela had met them at the reception, but they figured she would not remember amid all the hubbub. They brought her a plant to lighten up her office, which Pamela accepted graciously. She loved having plants in her office.
Pat and Terry were quick to add how much they admired Pamela’s experience and the wisdom she expressed during the interview process. Then, they wished Pamela all the best and said their goodbyes, unwilling to take up any more of her time. They seem respectful and sincere, Pamela thought. Pamela valued sincerity.
Less than fifteen minutes later, Pamela heard another knock on her open door. She remembered this pair: Alex and Chris. They seemed nice enough at the reception, but there was a slyness to them that Pamela found off-putting. They asked to sit down, and Pamela knew they were digging in for a longer round of conversation than she had time for.
Alex started by complimenting Pamela on her office, which was weird given that it had been her predecessor’s office and her own decor was still mostly packed. “Yes,” Pamela replied guardedly, “it is a great space with lots of light.” Chris admired all the books she had piled up and commented on the size of a sealed box labeled “office decor.”
Eeeew, Pamela thought, idle chit-chat to waste my time. What was this all about? Pamela asked them about themselves, but they were evasive, instead probing Pamela about her background and even her personal life. Their interrogation was respectful enough not to cross the line, but it hewed closely to it. Pamela dodged them as politely as she could.
Then Alex dropped the first bomb. It was a dud, but it was meant to send a message. “You know, we had a great relationship with your predecessor. He really listened to us.”
Pamela thought, so what?
The next bomb landed with a thud. This one was armed but lay there unexploded. Chris was the bombardier this time. “Yeah, he was great to us. We helped him out of a jam or two I guess, so he owed us.”
What was this about?
Alex continued, “Yeah, your predecessor was a complicated guy. Most people had no idea how complicated he was.” Alex’s mouth twisted into a self-satisfied smile. “We got to know him really well, though. Better than most.” Alex paused with a knowing cock of the eyebrows while Chris tried to catch Pamela’s eye as if to say, do you get our drift?”
Ah, Pamela thought. There it is. Manipulators. These two are trying to dig up stuff, anything, on the new boss to use as leverage for their own agendas. Pamela had seen this before. She leaned in and spoke politely but directly. “You will be disappointed to find that I am not so, uh, ‘complicated.’ In fact, I am rather simple to figure out. The truth is I am transparent almost to a fault.”
Alex and Chris’ smug expressions began to dissolve into realization. Pamela continued almost jauntily, “Hey. You know, you two can help me out. Do you want to do me a favor?” She waited for them to nod uneasily. “I really am committed to transparency, so if you think I am not living up to my own standards, I want you to call me out on it. I only ask that you do so in private so that I can make amends without losing face.”
The pair quickly agreed and hustled out the door like two rats surprised by a cat in an alley.
Pamela went back to setting up her office, chuckling at Alex and Chris’ vaguely threatening conversation. Manipulators like them can be dangerous, but in her first hours on the job Pamela had already let them know she was onto them. She knew they would lay low for a while, hoping for another opportunity, which she would be sure not to offer.
Minutes later and another knock at the open door. In came Jude and Stevie with big welcoming grins. They too carried a plant although much larger, more exotic, and higher maintenance than the one Pat and Terry offered. Pamela accepted this new gift as graciously as the first while Jude and Stevie swept around her office complimenting Pamela on her furniture, which, of course, she inherited from her predecessor. They cooed over her stack of books and raved about an art poster she had yet to hang. Before she could even respond, they were onto other topics.
“We are really impressed with your background, Ms. Smith,” Stevie told her.
“Call me ‘Pamela,’ please.”
“Okay, um, Pamela,” Jude replied. “We will try to remember. It’s just that we have such respect for you!”
Kiss-ups! Pamela knew their kind and knew them well. As dangerous as the manipulators could be, they were nothing compared to kiss-ups. Like the Sirens of mythology, the kiss-ups would sound their dulcet tones to lull her into a false sense of trust. As with the sailors of lore that tried to navigate past the Sirens, if she listened even a little, it would mean her doom.
Kiss-ups play to your vanity while exploiting your insecurities. All they ask in return is a little extra regard, a little more access, a smidgen of a favor. It’s an easy bargain at first. They make you feel good, and you make them feel important. Of course, the more they kiss up to you, the more you have to deliver. Soon the bargain you have tacitly struck with them leans all their favor. They are more insidious than the manipulators because kiss-ups bide their time to get into your good graces. They soften you up with sweet talk, and, in due course, they will out-manipulate the manipulators.
The honey they drip in your ear is just a medium to convey their toxic mix of falsehoods and misperceptions. You transactions with the kiss-ups will soon become more intimate and routine as they fill your head with rumors and self-serving speculation. They will then start to curate and filter your interactions with everyone else. They will own you.
Every leader has weaknesses that kiss-ups can exploit, chief among them, ego and the insecurity it represents. The challenge is to recognize those weaknesses, bolster them, and identify any kiss-ups on the prowl. Of course, you must not confuse kiss-ups with genuine well-wishers, the ones who have no ulterior motives, like Pat and Terry.
There is another danger to watch for as well. I used to be so wary of kiss-ups that I came to mistrust compliments altogether, which is rude and insulting to the truly sincere. I still struggle with compliments as a result of my former wariness.
In Pamela’s case, her self-awareness and observant nature should protect her from the Siren song of the kiss-ups. She then can neutralize them by ignoring them. After all, even though they offer to pump up Pamela’s ego, she really owes them nothing. To Pamela, their slobbering flattery is just embarrassing. It’s easy to dismiss.
So, if you are a leader, you must learn to identify and accept genuine compliments, learn to thwart manipulators, and learn to ignore kiss-ups. It’s a vital skill and an ongoing challenge, but there is an upside. So long as you are vigilant and honest with yourself and others, over time the manipulators and kiss-ups will become less of a problem as they discover their efforts are fruitless.
How do you sort genuine well-wishers from manipulators and kiss-ups? How effective are you at neutralizing manipulators and kiss-ups?
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