One of the most pernicious practices of the bad boss is bullying. From the monstrous cruelty of public humiliation to the comparatively elegant art of gaslighting, bully-bosses have a diverse arsenal of tricks. What sets bully-bosses apart from most other bullies is the control they—as bosses—exert over every aspect of the workplace. I know how to neutralize a colleague who tries to bully me, but a bully-boss is a different matter.
Despite the prevalence of bully-bosses, people are often reluctant to label their boss a bully perhaps because they are blinkered by the desire to find good in them. Or maybe bullied employees don’t want to admit that they are a victim, or it could be they have succumbed to the inertia of learned helplessness.
Another factor that gives bully-bosses cover is that few ever think of themselves that way. Some limit their bullying to specific circumstances or people and otherwise come across as perfectly lovely, but compartmentalized bullying is still bullying. Just as you can’t be a part-time embezzler, you can’t be a part-time bully. Whatever the reason for our reluctance to call out bullies, though, the first step in stopping a bully is to identify the bully.
Moreover, it is axiomatic that a boss who bullies is incompetent. After all, there is nothing in any legally sound job description that calls for bullying. That is the bully’s own little contribution to the position. The core purpose of any manager at any level is to help the team do great work. Since bullying only hampers progress, the bully-boss must be fundamentally inept as a manager.
So what does bully-boss behavior look like?
Bully behaviors can run the gamut from flagrant insults to microaggressions. All-too often these affronts are directed at an employee’s racial, gender, sexual, national, physical, or other immutable identity. After all, just as all bigots are bullies, a bigot-boss is a bully-boss. As for the demographics of bully-bosses themselves, they come from all walks of life and in all shapes and sizes, like troll dolls.
You can easily determine whether you work for a bully-boss by gaging your own emotions. Remember, the bully-boss may not bully all the time and may even sometimes be pleasant. Apply this rule of thumb:
If your boss frequently makes you feel miserable and aggrieved with no recourse, your boss is most likely a bully.So what sorts of behaviors mark the bully-boss? Right away, along with taking things personally or playing the victim, we should list yelling, harsh treatment, and flat-out harassment, sexual or otherwise. These are the low-hanging behaviors of the bully-boss that just about anyone can recognize, including, in some cases, a jury.
Let’s enumerate a few of the less blatant but equally damaging behaviors that are popular among bully-bosses. The order is largely arbitrary, but we’ll start with another big three having to do with distortion and dishonesty.
Gaslighting: Does your boss say and do things that warp reality and make you feel like you are losing your mind?
Bullshitting: Does your boss mix truths, half-truths, and fabrications in an amalgam that defies all attempts at rebuttal?
Passive aggressiveness: This is a tough one to sort out and can be paired with gaslighting to devastating effect. A good way to sniff out passive aggressiveness is to take note when your boss comes across as superficially pleasant but always leaves you feeling queasy inside.
Projection: This is a boss accusing others of what they are guilty of.
Exclusion: Are you unaccountably left out of meetings, conversations, and events?
Disinviting: Related to exclusion, this is even crueler. You’re in, and then you’re out.
Low or withheld information: Are you ever denied critical information and thereby set up for failure?
Zero-sum game: If your boss must always win and can never countenance anyone else’s success, I feel for you.
Finger pointing: Does your boss tend to assign blame first and (maybe) solve problems later? In the worst cases, this can also take the form of bosses blaming others for their own failures.
False accusations: How often does your boss unfairly accuse you of saying or doing things you didn’t say or do?
Ambushing: This one is a favorite feature of the annual review, but it can occur at any time. It is, by design, impossible to anticipate and therefore impossible to prepare for.
Public humiliation: It can be blatant or subtle, but boy does it smart!
Ignoring: Few things are as disorienting as being disregarded or snubbed.
Mild insults: Sometimes these can take the form of teasing or playing, but they can accumulate quickly. By the way, if your boss frequently has to assert, “I’m just joking around,” yet makes you feel like crap, you know. Mild insults are often paired with passive aggressiveness and blaming the victim.
Talking behind your back: Nasty stuff. I have been guilty of this one on occasion, and it is cruel and unfair.
Rude looks: this one is pretty obvious and is related to microaggressions, which are far more subtle and insidious.
Microaggressions: These can lurk beneath the surface of awareness and can take many forms, such as words, actions, and situations. Sometimes the microaggressor is not even conscious of their behavior, which is not an excuse, just a reality. It is important for bosses to take responsibility and learn how they may microaggress—even by accident—and then don’t.
Again, this is not a comprehensive list of bully-boss behaviors, but if you have (or are) a boss who regularly deploys any one of these behaviors against anyone—even someone you think deserves it—then that is bully-bossing.
In our world of rampant gaping bossholes, it is important to remember this simple truth: bully-bosses are incompetent. Therefore, confronting and countering them is paramount since they hurt both their individual targets and the whole organization and help no one. And yet bully-bossing is almost the norm. I guess it is great fun for bully-bosses to crush the souls of those who they are charged with nurturing and protecting and who are helpless to fight back! That, by the way describes sadism.
In contrast, leaders delight in empowering people and building positive cultures. In fact, the behaviors of leaders affront the typical bully-boss. So, go ahead, leaders. Affront away!
What bully-boss behaviors have you seen in action? How can you assure that you never behave that way yourself?
Leadership does not only run contrary to bullying, but leaders also need to be prepared to call out and stop bullying behavior, and I can help.
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The Truth about Bully-Bosses, the Quintessence of Incompetence